Douchebags Who Wear More Than One Polo Shirt

The trend began long ago with leather jackets.  Gangsters would "pop their collars" in order to set themselves apart from others.  At that time, this was a sign of rebellion and a "don't mess with me" attitude... This look made a comeback between 2000-2003.  It then became a symbol for preps and frat boys, in other words, it was gay.  Now, we are seeing grown men wearing, not one, but multiple polo shirts with all the collars popped, creating a plethora of collars around the neck.  This is a sign that tells onlookers, "Hi, I'm a douchebag."  

Please take note of the douchebag on the left.  Look closely and you will see not two, not three, but FOUR collars. This chump must have been cold or something.  Either that, or he is compensating for a small penis.  How much does it cost to upkeep a look like this?  This bag of douche has four green polo's on, why on earth would anyone buy four of the same shirt... He could easily clothe an entire african tribe for St. Patrick's Day.  

I don't know how this trend became popular or what famous designer brought it to the streets but I could easily start a trend just as stupid.  We should all start wearing multiple pants with the buttons and flies open to create a plethora of waistlines.  

In addition to multiple polo shirts, douchebags like to spend hours in front of their mirrors in the morning, meticulously spiking each hair on their head in order to create the very trendy porcupine look.  God forbid a douchebag head-butt you... it would surely end your life.  Perhaps the multiple polo's act as padding against spiked hair in case any two douchebags decide to take a tumble together.

Lastly, to all the girls that validate this look by letting themselves be attracted to it, you are only strengthening their numbers.  Do not pose in pictures with douchebags.  Because while the douchebag may have his arm around you in a friendly embrace as you smile into the camera, he is making a Zoolander face because he thinks he looks that cool and screwing the camera with his eyes.  After looking at this picture, I'm feeling violated.

The Names Black People Give Their Kids

Is it completely necessary for innocent black babies to get names like Shaniqua, JoQuan, or LaShondra? These poor kids don't really have a say in the matter and they get tied down to a name that 1) no one can read, 2) no one can pronounce, and 3) is mocked at by others who say the name while moving their chin from side to side and whipping their finger in the air to make the name sound truly ghetto. 

Don't get me wrong, I love some strong creativity every now and then... but sometimes, people really exceed the boundaries. What cruel mother would name her child Coco Crisp? What on earth would possess you to name your child something that makes people lick their lips at the thought of a delicious cereal delight. And God Shamgod?? Seriously, was your son so amazing when he popped out of your vagina that you thought to call him "God". Unbelievable. 

And that isn't the end of it... I have heard tell of poor, innocent children being named Shithead (pronounced Sha-Theed), Mistake (pronounced Mis-Tawk-Ay), and Burden (pronounced ber-DEN). What kind of cruel mothers do this to their children... And here's the thing... imagine their poor Kindergarten teacher taking roll call for the first time and not knowing how to pronounce little Shithead Smith's name in front of the entire class. Talk about sending your kid through hell and back... for their entire life!

At least we aren't seeing rapper names on birth certificates yet... Although I believe that will be in the near future.  We'll have little tykes running around with names like FittyCent Jones, SouljaBoy Johnson, and FlavaFlave Rogers.  Once we start seeing these names flying around LaBron Elementary School... the world is near its end...

Ugly People

They strike fear into the hearts of millions... as well as nausea.  We refer to them as the walking dead, but only behind their backs.  They are a terror that threatens to overtake our world as we know it.  I speak of the ugly people that roam the planet in search of ordinary lives... which they will never achieve because they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down... and because, apparently, they don't have the heart to try plastic surgery and spare us the terror that exists in our hearts every time we look at them.

Why do ugly people insist on being ugly? Yes, I understand that some people are born inadequate but, in our society, with all of the plastic surgery and liposuction and botox, is there absolutely nothing they can do to improve themselves?  How can they wake up each day and feel good about themselves knowing that they are hideous decoration on the face of our beautiful planet?  Furthermore, how can they wake up each day and feel good about themselves after looking in the mirror?

While they stroll around in their ugly bodies with their ugly friends, they smile snaggletoothed grins and flap their bat wings, pushing their oily hair behind their wax-infested ears... And we look on in horror, scrambling to get to the other side of the street for fear that the "ugly" we feel radiating off of them might be contagious.  And what really gets to me is the fact that these hideous monstrosities travel in packs.  Isn't one of them enough to disgust an entire county?  Have some compassion... Must you insist on traveling as ugly nomads, making babies cry and dogs whimper in fear?  Please, have a heart and fix your face, before a second Hitler comes to power and eradicates you...